My nails are so lame. For real! No matter how many stupid vitamins (I’m looking at you, fish oil, Vitamin D, those “women’s only” pink ones my mom bought me), or how much protein I eat, or whatever, my nails split and break like little pussies. I could bathe them in OPI Nail Envy for weeks and still, they’d just bend and snap. And I’m sick of it! I want long nails! Long nails are sooo glamorous. But I’m not into the idea of getting acrylics quite yet, because that’s extra maintenance. I like to go thrifting on my days off, OK?

So before my trip to LA (take me back! I love you LA!) I bought two “bottles” of imPRESS Salon Manicure press-on nails. My experience with press-on nails dates back to, oh, 1997 and sleepovers with my girlfriends. I’d read favorable reviews of the impress line and was super into the fact that they came in a “short” length. I work retail and I text a lot, so yeah, talons = no. I purchased the hot pink style and the neon/leopard “By My Side,” which was just tacky and awesome enough for a vacation mani. (Basic colors are about $7, designs $8.) imPRESS nails are housed in clear plastic “nail polish” bottles, which is not only cute but also handy, since they’re not rattling around in a box trying to get loose and spill all over your car.

I’ve been painting my nails since age seven, so I’m pretty good at that. I can do those Sally Hansen nail stickers in my sleep. That’s about the extent of my manicure skills, though. I leave the crazy stuff (read: cuticles) to the pros. However, with imPRESS all you gotta do is fit the nails to yours – they come in assorted sizes, 24 to a pack. Peel off the little sticker on the back, press firmly on your nail beginning at the center and moving to the edges. Done! It is INSANELY easy. Use the smallest size nail possible and do your thumbs last. Don’t get them wet for a half hour or so to let that glue really set. The adhesive is gentle, so when you remove them (they claim to last 7-10 days) your natural nails won’t be ruined.

At first I was like, “Whoaaaa my nails are so long! My hands look like my mom’s!” The “short length” is a little misleading if you’re not used to faux nails, because these babies are long. You can file/cut them down to suit your aesthetics, though. It was strange using my phone, opening stuff, putting in contacts. (That still feels weird and scary, to be honest.) The cats were into my new claws because they were on the receiving end of some primo scratch action. I got compliments at the airport from a group of Southern men in blaze orange tees and they were a great topic of conversation for the person in the seat next to mine. (Need I mention I obviously used the neon leopard style first?)

Compliments aside, these things STAYED ON. I wore them five days straight and only lost two nails; a swipe of actual nail glue borrowed from a friend anchored those on. (In fairness, they were my pointer fingers, which definitely get the most wear and tear.) I did dishes, took a shower, ran around LA … they didn’t budge. They would’ve lasted longer had I not gotten bored and peeled them off.

I’m wearing the dark red, Tweetheart, right now and I am OBSESSED with my nails. They’re so shiny! And long! Lana del Rey-lite, I think. imPRESS, I’m in love with you. Now please help me find that elusive red-orange shade!

Seriously, who am I? I used to loathe and detest the scent of vanilla - probably because Bath and Body Works’ heinous Warm Vanilla Sugar and the Victoria’s Secret equivalent (What was that called?) dominated the halls of my high school after we’d grown out of Love Spell body spray. 

Now I’m kinda into it, as long as it isn’t too candy-coated and cloying. (And I love coconut now too, but that’s another story.) I wear Atelier Cologne’s Vanille Insensee perfume most-daily and get mad compliments from customers on it, but I’ve found it’s fun to mix with other vanilla-based fragrance. 

Leave it to XOJane’s Cat Marnell to find me the perfect vanilla-but-not-too-sweet base with Gud (a division of Burt’s Bees) Vanilla Flame body lotion, my new obsession. Trust me, this stuff makes everyone on a hot Nicollet Mall street want to have sex with you. I road-tested it for you. It’s all natural, blah blah I don’t care about that shit - I care that it lasts pretty much all day and clings to your skin with the most innocently sexy drydown ever. 

On a side note, I’m pretty pissed that Cat, girl crush who led me to some amazing beauty products as detailed on this half-assed blog o’ mine, has decided she’d rather do angel dust than write about makeup. But, yknow, I guess I’d sometimes rather go to Sally Beauty Supply twice a week and/or watch a Teen Mom marathon than write about makeup too.

I came home last week to this gorgeous spread from the folks at Eylure, a range of fake eyelashes (re: my Twitter handle and the address of this blog, naturally) hailing from the UK. Lucky for us, they’re coming to the US of A via Ulta, which only means I’m going to spend more money there because I am now madly in LOVE with Eylure.

One of my biggest problems with false eyelashes is the tube of adhesive; it can get gloopy and messy, ruining your eye makeup and making application more difficult than necessary. Too much and you’ve got a disaster on your hands. Too little and your lashes spring up at the corners. Eylure lashes come with a STICK of adhesive, so all you have to do is swipe it on. So much easier! I wore the “Lengthening” pair to work and got so many compliments; my lashes were long enough that people who knew me knew I was wearing falsies, but those who didn’t just thought I was genetically blessed.

For more drama, the “Evening Wear” glam lashes were my favorite. I wore them to the Pride Parade and they were the perfect cherry on top of my retro-inspired ensemble, as seen here:

Unfortunately, I had a little too much fun (read: flirtinis!) and lost one! Must replace ASAP, because these are the perfect false lashes for me. In fact, the only Eylure lashes I can’t master are the individuals, but I’ve never been able to make those work. Any pointers would be much appreciated.

I gave a pair of the “Intense” lashes to my friend Sally, who has been wearing Ardell and MAC lashes and is an application pro. (The Intense lashes were just too much for me; my eyes aren’t quite large enough.) Her review: “As a person with large eyes and somewhat long lashes as it is, these girls easily doubled them in length and thickness. As far as application went, it couldn’t have been easier. I typically have to bend my lashes pre-application to give them some leeway but the Eylure’s were already curved and it wasn’t necessary. So it was on with the glue and on with the lashes! Intense is an apt name because that’s precisely what they were, in a good way. While they felt a little heavy on my lids, it wasn’t enough to really bother me and they stayed on throughout the entire evening. I’d strictly file this style into the “night only” category because in the light of day they might look garish but within the night category, they surely get an A. An added plus is their reusability factor. 

Thanks Eylure! I’ll never love another quite like I love you!

The lovely Becky Sturm makes a plethora of fabulous beauty products right here in the Twin Cities, and she sent me over a sample of her shhh. bar, which promises to be a three-way beauty bar for use as shampoo, shaving cream and soap. Well, we know I never wash my hair and I haven’t actually tested it on my hair yet, but I’m convinced it works because my face loved it so much.

The shhh. bar is made of a bunch of oils like jojoba and sweet almond, with a hint of cocoa butter and a few other delish things thrown into the mix. It’s natural, it smells amazing and my skin is eating it up. I put a little on my Clarisonic one night while slightly intoxicated (shh!) and woke up the next morning GLOWING. My skin RARELY does that without aid of makeup or this one amazing sample of La Mer the Concentrate, which is unfortunately approximately $300.

So I haven’t tried the shhh. bar for all of its uses, but I know my mom will love it and so will my brother. Hopefully it cures my mother of her habit to cart a shit ton of hotel-size shampoo/soap around every time we travel. 

You can purchase the shhh. bar at StyledLife in the Galleria. I get a discount there! Ka-ching!

No doubt about it: This stuff is for people who work with their hands. Namely carpenters, rodeo cowboys … and shopgirls like myself. I’ve had the nastiest case of split skin on several of my fingers, and no liberal dosage of Aquaphor or Aveda Hand Relief or even my trusty Norwegian Hand Cream could stop them.

Thanks to my mom, the split skin that was seriously hurting my poor pointer fingers is (nearly) gone. She paid about $7 for this lovely lime green tub at Lowe’s and gave it to me, knowing that my hands were starting to feel like my ex-farmer dad’s do. And it WORKS. I put a tiny bit on at night, do the beauty sleep thing and wake up with lovely, silky-soft hands. SO happy. Thanks, Mom!

When shopping for cosmetics (read: lipstick and nail polish and the occasional mascara) at the drugstore or my friendly local Target, I always, always passed by the CoverGirl aisle. I hated their lipstick, found their nail polish lacking and hadn’t purchased their eyeshadow since a junior high craze for the silvery-blue Disco Ball. (Who remembers this frosty fad? Does it still exist?) I preferred the Gucci Westman-helmed Revlon, which continues to put out fantastic formulas and lovely colors. 

However, makeup impresario Pat McGrath took over as CoverGirl’s creative director and used her years of fashion show expertise to concoct some intriguing new products for the brand, like the lipsticks I’m about to gush about, Lip Perfection. (For the record, I currently have five shades and counting. Walgreens was having a Buy One Get One 50% Off sale, ok?)

(My collection from left: Delish, Fairytale, Flame, Hot, Tempt)

What is it that I love about my Lip Perfections? Well, first of all, I’d been seeing Hot, a perfect vivid red that lasts as long as my MACs, on a variety of runways. After an impulse buy at Target (what other kind are there?) I was hooked. The color applies incredibly well and, as previously stated, has great lasting power for a $6 product. They rarely bleed and aren’t too matte or drying I actually count Hot as one of my Top 10 Reds, which is pretty crazy considering I have about 30 red lipsticks. 

The color range of Lip Perfection is fantastic; I can’t even tell you how many shades CoverGirl offers, but there are some striking ones. Spellbound is a cool magenta while Enchanted is princess pink … I’m sure they’ll make their way into my collection in the near future. The shades I do own might not have been necessary additions, but I’m particularly into Delish, a Bardot nude, and Tempt, a blue-based wine that’s not too vampy for spring.

What don’t I like about Lip Perfection? The scent. It’s weird. Not vanilla, not candy, not perfume … just kind of unpleasant. I can deal with it, but I don’t like it.